The Fear of Being Seen

What has stopped me from sharing my work and why the cycle stops now

This deep rooted fear of being seen has loomed over me my entire life. As a teen, I was afraid of my own reflection, afraid of looking in the mirror and seeing myself. I was so deeply afraid of walking down the street, fearing my appearance in the light of day and fearing any on-looking gazes (the judgment within and around me already so overpowering that I so strongly feared it coming from anywhere else). I was in such inner-darkness and torment, that I only ever felt fully comfortable in darkness and isolation in my outer-world. As with all things, this has many layers and nuances to it but still, the fear of being seen has persisted in its presence throughout my life to this day — creeping in through side doors and secret passageways whispering sweet-bullshit into my psyche. Who are you to have a voice of value? Who are you to take up space in this world? Who are you to matter? 

And to that today I say: I am a soul on an ever-evolving journey of expansion, healing and liberation. I am a story-teller, a creative, an alchemist and a Sacred Rebel (cc: @alanafairchild). I am more than my body and my physicality in this lifetime, yes, but I am also here to fully ground and embrace the person that I am in this earthly-reality without holding back even an inch. I am here to communicate, create, liberate and un-shackle myself and others who have continuously been beaten down and suppressed by the distorted narratives and illusive lies we’ve been force fed… The ones that have kept us in soul-crushing patriarchal hamster-wheel systems of smallness, separation and self-loathing for far too long. Who knows how that will evolve, but I’ll be here, writing, spotlighting, space-holding, conversing and creating…

What I’ve learnt time and time again is that our greatest gifts are always hidden within our most dramatic fears and are met with the biggest push back and resistance — straight-up, no exceptions. Sharing this is not really something my small egoic self wants to do — (it would much rather stay hidden in comfort). But in my heart of hearts it is what is calling me forth right now. And if I am not to answer that call, then what am I really doing? If we are to ignore those continuous inner-calls, those ever-persistent nudges, knocks, dreams and visions… Then what are we really doing? 

The rug of my perceived life was pulled out from under my feet a while ago. What I thought my life would look like. Where I thought it was headed. Crumbled. Crushed. All in the ordinary instant (as Joan Didion calls it). It was (and oftentimes continues to be) messy, hard and heavy — all whilst being the best thing that ever happened to me. All to say I have felt strongly called to start sharing it all. To hold space in vulnerability and imperfection. To “excavate the unsaid” as Brené Brown says, and to string together this existence through words and stories that anyone reading may just relate to and find solace in. All are welcome here.

I love this quote. One that’s been in my back pocket for a while now, yet one I haven’t fully integrated and lived. There really does come a time where not being in our power and purpose takes up way more energy than just taking the plunge — I’ve felt that strongly as of late. And sometimes that plunge simply means taking the smallest of steps. Ones that don’t overwhelm our nervous systems and push us right back to where we came from. Ones in which the notion of “perfection” has no place.

Playing small never really suited me anyway… So here’s to 🌸 blossoming 🌸 forth — rising in the real, the raw and the beautiful chaotic mess of it all. Join me! What have you been dreaming about doing? What’s a tiny action you can take that will inch you even that wee-bit closer? And what’s been stopping you?